Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Slutcrackin' Fun for the Whole Family (The 18+ Ones, Anyway)

By Catya von Sparkles

Are you concerned that you, as a friend or relative of a Slut, should perhaps be worried about the scandal factor of going to see the amazing holiday extravaganza that is The Slutcracker? Let me share a holiday tale to let you know that everyone, everywhere, with an appreciation for sexy, sexy irreverence should be in the audience at Somerville Theatre when Sluts take the stage this month.

Last year, I informed my family that I’d dusted off my jazz shoes in order to hit the stage after a 10-year absence. After a few months of rehearsals, while readying for the launch of the show, my mother casually mentioned that she and my dad planned to attend my “recital” to see what I’d been doing all this time.

The show in question, however, involved less of me doing shuffle-ball-changes to “The Candyman” and more of me tearing off my shirt and pantomiming Special Occasion Cowgirl with a fellow dancer. It gave me pause, therefore, to think of my parents in the audience.

“Um, well, Mom, you might want to come to another show. This one’s a little … risqué,” I explained.

My mother sighed the kind of sigh that parents usually let out when again reassuring wee children that Santa does exist and will be bringing presents. She leveled a no-more-coddling-you’re-32 look at me and said, “Catya, we’re familiar with porn films.”

There is no describing the sound one’s brain makes when all synapses momentarily stop firing, so unseemly is the information that has just flooded through them. I plunged in a) abject terror that I would now have to discuss porn with my mother and b) angst that she’d apparently classified my performance, sight unseen, as “Catya Does the Cambridge YMCA” and was fine with that. FAIL.

As I was unable to convince them otherwise, my parents came to the show, pronounced it “different” and congratulated me on a job salaciously done. During one of our final dance numbers, my mom gave me a smile and a wave, most likely to let me know I wasn’t disowned or maybe to signal that she wanted to borrow the corset I wore in the first act.

Long story short. My parents are attending this year’s Slutcracker. In a year’s time, they – and everyone around me – has become aware that performing is exactly what makes Catya so darn von Sparkly. For we Sluts, dancing, acting, vamping on stage, it’s what lights us up. It gives us the energy and wit to traipse through all our everyday mundane activities, for those of us that do not bathe in the limelight every minute of the week. And how could we not share that? YOU LUCKY PEOPLE, YOU.